Nothing rational about frust-‘ration’

This blog has been quiet for a while (the original aim was to post once a week, definitely every two, and I am feeling guilty). Term has started again, and I moved house, both of which were obviously very stressful and time-consuming, plus now I have this really shiny graduate course to get all excited about. I am exhausted, and given that stuff that goes up on the internet lasts forever (or at least until they think of something even more fun), I don’t want to post about things I haven’t properly thought through. So while I have many many thoughts and opinions about, say, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s comment that the time restriction on abortions should be cut back from 24 weeks to 12, writing something about that takes more time and mental energy than I have right now. If you’re going to put your opinions out there on the internet, you at least owe it to the world to try to make them sound interesting.

But the other reason I haven’t been posting is that for the first time in a good four years, I don’t have a regular sex partner. This blog isn’t just about sex, but given that a lot of my views are based on personal experience, less experience means less new shiny exciting stuff to write about. I mean, I’ve already talked lots about consent and masturbation and BDSM, and while there is certainly lots more to say, I feel most comfortable talking about issues when something recent has occurred in my life that has made me think about them. Opinions on this kinda thing are highly subjective, and if I’m going to go into mine, it’s much easier to have something personal to me to ground my argument in.

So here is me writing about not having anything to write about. I’m not having a lot of sex at the moment, and this is driving me mad. Everyone has a different sex drive, and the last couple of months have been an eye-opening lesson in quite how high mine is. The people I have slept with in that time have all been casual acquaintances and one-night-stands, and lovely though they all are, that leads to a very different type of sex to the kind where you’re with someone who really knows you. This frustrates me, and I really don’t like it. It’s exhausting to have to start from scratch every time, trying to explain my views and preferences in a nutshell, especially if I’m dealing with someone who isn’t used to the whole communication thing. I am not a patient person. This is becoming very obvious.

What I would love to do is be able to go up to someone cute at one of these gatherings for new students and say hey, you seem awesome, would you like to go for a drink sometime and then maybe have lots of kinky sex if that’s your thing? (like a more sexually explicit but less catchy version of a certain viral pop song). As I’ve already established here, I am a forward person, and I don’t hide the way I think, but even I know that it just isn’t socially acceptable to say that to someone you hardly know, and I do understand why. Of course that comes across as vaguely terrifying! I just wish it didn’t. Or rather, I wish there was a way to detect people who would respond well to that kind of opening, people who also want to skip all the smalltalk and pointless chitchat and get straight into talking about what turns them on.

As it is, I am trying to be mild and polite, and still having people tell me I’m too forward, or am coming across as intimidating or downright crazy. And I know that these things take time and you can’t suddenly expect to find your perfect sex partner in a room full of new people just by snapping your fingers, but damn it, wouldn’t it be so great if you could?

So nothing new learnt so far (one-night-stands really aren’t interesting enough to write about), and a lot of frustration, both sexual and general. There is something ironic about desperately wanting sex, and knowing both that you could have it if you really tried (by picking someone up at a club, for example), and that it wouldn’t be very satisfying. I miss having someone I trust and feel comfortable with to just call up and ask over, someone I can cuddle with afterwards and actually have a conversation with. Screw relationships, but friends-with-benefits is awesome!

I am going to have to learn to be more patient, and so are you, my readers (assuming I still have any), if you want more insights into sex positivity and kinky new experiences. But maybe all this, the frustration and the impatience and the realising how high my sex drive really is, is just something else I have to learn at some point. All knowledge is worth having, as they say in Kushiel’s Dart.

Still, doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it!